| Two months |
[October 18, 2009] |
Two months.
In sixty-one days from today he will be gone.
In two months he will have major surgery
In two months he could die
In two months he could survive surgery and then face a year of rehabilitation
After two months, I will never see him again
After two months, I will simply exist.
In a week from tomorrow, it would have been two years that we were together. Two years of memories that are not nearly enough because we were planning for a lifetime's worth, which now ceases to exist.
I miss him. All the time.
I desperately want him to be okay. I'm hoping with every fiber of my being that he does not need this surgery but that's all I can do, hope...wish...and cry.
I love you. Don't ever forget that...wherever you are.
"Did you say it?
'I love you. I don't ever wanna live without you. You changed my life.'
Did you say it?
Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it. But every now and then look around. Drink it in. 'Cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."
- Meredith Grey
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| FS |
[October 16, 2009] |
Being alone is something I've had to do pretty much my whole life. I'm used to it, I can manage somehow or the other. I just don't want to be alone and without him.
I love him more than I thought I ever would and I miss him literally all the time, every single second; he's all that I think about. I don't want him to leave. I don't want him to have to go through surgery and potentially die or go through a year of rehab. I still can't fathom that that is what he has to look forward to for the next two months. I'm so scared for him and I keep praying that he won't need this surgery and that he'll be okay. I just really need him to be okay and not have to be in any pain anymore. I feel so useless, I hate not being able to help him. He's the most important person in my life and he's going through the most difficult time in his life and there's nothing I can do about it.
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| Current university life?! |
[September 25, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
Now I remember why I didn't like my first semester too much, at least in the beginning: no friends, all alone.
Yesterday sucked, just like the past two weeks have, make that the past two months.
My mother called when I was on my way back home and started with her fucked up questions of where I was and why I wasn't back home yet...err because I don't want to be maybe!? So I yelled back and said the fabulous word "fuck" so that pissed her off more...yay! As if my life was messed up enough already and I was already in an awful mood.
I have two close friends in university; one went home because she was sick and the other had a class. So I had to sit alone for almost an hour and a half. Obviously, no Fahad.
It's hurtful that he's okay with everyone else he knows and he hangs out with his friends and it's all good for him and I'm, yeah you guessed it: alone and miserable. Fuck.
My life is devoid of meaning. I have nothing to look forward to. Nothing. I just have a few friends, no boyfriend, I'm fucking fat and there's no guarantee especially now, that I'll even get a job once I'm done studying.
Being alone is something I didn't think I'd have to deal with...again. But of course here I am, whining like a little bitch about it.
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| Flip |
[September 15, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
It's so conflicting, everything. It's this huge extravagant mess.
He's convinced he's going to die in December (another operation, yes he had a minor one before and didn't tell me about it until a few days ago). And he went on to say that I have no future with him. I still can't fathom that in my head, it's not sunk in, because it just doesn't seem real to me. Things like this are not supposed to happen.
He says things like "I miss you" and then decides to act casual and say other things such as "Okay, I'm off to flirt with some girls". Is it possible to feel like you're being stabbed with just words?
I cried while driving all the way back from university. So that's about almost an hour and a half of me driving and crying feeling as if my heart was just ripped from within me, thrown in my face and as it fell to the floor, he goes on to stomp on it.
Whenever I'm alone, I can't help but cry. It's difficult pretending to be fine all day.
I feel so guilty every time I think of how much this hurts, because it doesn't compare to what he's gone through in the past two months. But then he keeps saying and doing such hurtful things that I just can't help it.
Not to mention that this semester is majorly sucking. I've got too much work for all of my courses, and one of my professors is being such a major son of a bitch that I want to punch his fucking face. I don't have any inspiration, a lack of passion for what I'm doing and I hate that. It's like I have nothing to look forward to.
The universe is telling me that I'm worthless and meant to be alone. I guess maybe I should try accepting that, no matter how hard it is.
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| Two updates in one post...go figure |
[July 19, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crushed |
] |
Part one
Came back from a not long enough trip to Bombay about five days ago and I miss the place and my extended family like crazy. It was a nice trip in general: had a lot of fun, saw a lot of new things, got hungover, met some really cool people and got to walk around in the rain.
Part two
I haven't been able to stop crying for the past five days. My life feels like a movie. I shall try to explain it when my head stops spinning and I can actually understand what the fuck is going on....actually no, I won't ever understand what's going on but maybe I'll be able to express whatever I can soon... before I become catatonic.
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| Yet another return... |
[May 29, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Lovesong - The Cure |
] |
Damnit, I really do suck at this.
I used to post here all the time. I'm not sure what happened.
My life right about now is moving at an okay pace. I'm not omg-I'm-so-happy thrilled or anything.
If only I had a life.
Just recently started to speaking to my mother again after almost two months of silence and ignorance. And by speaking I mean, "take your laundry" and "throw *insert material object here* away", nothing significant, nothing real.
The only reason we started speaking again was because I lapsed and being the idiot that I am, I was nice to her when she was sick and gave her meds and water.
Before that, for close to two months, I never existed to her.
I spent all that time wondering what the fuck was wrong with me, am I that much of a horrible daughter, better yet, a human being, that she treats me as if I were never there?
The dogs have more value than me in this house, and no I am not exaggerating when I say that. She wishes they could talk! And she has never once acknowledged me, hence the fact that I stopped telling her anything when I was twelve because she never bothered to listen.
Since I have been in university, not once has she asked me how my day was or what I do, even though I've had long days almost ten-twelve hours long and have had to drive back in traffic, and then come home and start working immediately. She has never asked about my friends, I swear she doesn't even know what I'm studying.
She treats me like a common criminal, if I ever want to go out I get questions thrown at me rudely about where I'm going and who will be there. And I'm fucking twenty years old. Then there's the constant accusations of how I don't do anything, I don't help out, I don't take an initiative. It doesn't matter that even I've had a long week and want a weekend to relax and not do much. I don't mind helping out, I really don't but doesn't it make more sense to ask me for help rather than screaming and yelling at me because I don't run around asking what needs to be done.
I don't matter here. I don't think I ever really have.
It doesn't matter that I don't have any brothers or sisters because I have been compared to every other person in my age range my entire life, since as long as I can remember, I've been told that I'm not as perfect or good enough as some of my cousins, girls in my class and any of her friends' kids, name them all and I can tell you what I've been compared to them for and how they are so much better than me because of it.
She really does take every opportunity to put me down. Never once has she said anything positive about me to her friends or her sister. Every time I hear her talk to them, they would say now great they're kids are and from her: nothing. If they ever complain about their kids, oh then she has plenty to share about how worthless I am. Honestly, if she prefers having a dog why did she bother having children?
No one has ever made me feel so worthless, so alone and so inferior than my so called mother. I'm an obligation to her, one that can never do anything right, who will always be of no value to her.
Fahad is perfect, he really is. He's an amazing boyfriend. And I suck. I'm awful, I don't even know why he says he loves me because he shouldn't. I take him for granted, if he pisses me off I shut him out completely. I've never been one to just say things, I stay mad and keep it to myself but he tries to get me to open up and it's hard because I'm not accustomed to that as much anymore and so it gets frustrating for the both of us. I love him, more than I thought I could and I don't deserve him. There are so many little things we fight over and I get pissed off easily and then angry and then there are fights. I don't know why I do it. Sometimes I just figure that he will just leave me, because that's what people do, but he says he won't without me even having to say anything about that, but I wonder about things from his perspective and can't help but think about the fact that he deserves better, someone who is more stable than I am, who's thin and pretty and can make him happy all the time and not abuse the fact that he always calls and is always there. I wish I was better for him but I always have this thing in the back of my head which tells me I'm not worth and he'll leave and be better off without me.
The moments of self-hatred are still there, and no, I doubt they are ever going away. I'm disgusted with myself still. I've become so fat, I can't bear to be in pictures anymore because then I'll see just how hideous I look. I hate the way clothes look on me, nothing fits properly because my body decided to be in this fucked up shape. I hate it, my face, my body, everything.
University is draining. Especially this semester, with this class I have to take, we're actually coming up with an entire campaign, from scratch, all business-y with the creative aspects as well so it's a lot of work and not much time left. I'm just trying to do my best. My cgpa is not back upto where I want it to be so I'm still struggling.
I've lost some friends too but honestly, at this point I guess they were just not worth it. I was sick of being the one who made all the effort, so whatever and good riddance. I've made stronger friendships in the meantime.
So that's my crappy little current life story.
I'll see if I can atleast attempt to post here more often.
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| Re-invention |
[September 20, 2008] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
In flames - Alias |
] |
There's always one of those things that you sort of fear but know will happen. When it does the first time, you can never be sure that it will again, you sort of hope that it won't, but that possibility still does rear its ugly head from time to time and one day, it just ambushes you.
That's just putting it in a nutshell.
I wish I had more friends in university, I wish I had a group of friends, but I don't. I thought I did...but I don't. My mother is a bitch (as I've mentioned numerous times) and one of her bitch-like terms is preventing me from having a normal life. Anyway that little factor has gone and ruined my friendships now. They've all spent a lot of time hanging out and I never could so it came to a point where I didn't know what they were talking about anymore, because whenever the other friends came, I ceased to exist. I realise that they don't mean to ignore me, because they get caught up in conversation but it still hurts. So I've reverted back to my old self. I don't ingore them persay, I just really don't talk to them anymore and try and talk to other people I'm acquainted with. I don't see what the huge deal is, I mean when they ignore me, they never noticed that but when I don't talk to them, all of a sudden they pay attention to that? Anyway, it's fine. I've always had to deal with issues like this at some point or the other so I'll manage.
We're learning about the Renaissance period in History of art 2 and I like it! I mean I got that dull professor again (f.w.d!) but I try and study on my own terms so I enjoy it more, not to mention that fact that the whole Renaissance period itself fascinates me. The whole concept of bringing back a time when beauty and clarity were once cherished and setting a goal to resurrect it in every aspect of art, whether it was painting, sculpture or architecture; it was a vital period in history. I wonder if it could happen again; if people in this era would aim to re-invent the times we live in, to re-invent themselves even. Which time would they choose? What would they decide to change?
It is a scary thing; change, such a simple concept with such magnifying results.
If only we could embrace it wholeheartedly when the moment beckons for it.
xoxo
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| Apprehension.... |
[February 04, 2008] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Hopesfall - Escape Pod for Intangibles |
] |
Insecurities. It is something that has always been apart of me. Perhaps I’ve just had a lot of disappointments in my life, mainly within myself; that I’ve just become accustomed to expecting the worst. Today was a little difficult to go through. Last year was so bad for me that I made the solemnest of promises to myself that I would work my fucking ass off not to make the same mistakes and fail so miserably…again. I just don’t think I would be able to handle it if I did. I didn’t do so well in a quiz and it’s the first time since I’ve been at university that I’ve done that badly. It was stirred up again today in my course of 3D design. I like it because it challenges me, even though it takes up a hell lot of time…but it isn’t something I can get a good grade in for sure. So rest assured my GPA is dropping drastically at the end of this semester. Oh and it annoys the crap out of me when people borrow my stuff and don’t give it back and then it ends up missing for awhile or just simply ‘gets lost’.
As for other aspects of my life: firstly I hate my body. Actually I detest it. I have for a long time. I constantly feel deformed and just wish I looked normal. I absolutely hate looking at myself in the mirror because when I do I can’t stop staring and think…”this is you, this is what you look like!? All the time! This is what people see…that’s why they look at you so oddly”. I hate that I have this stupid problem that makes me look this way and I really want my mother to stop trying to find these ‘alternative’ treatments to help me. Homeopathy didn’t work; I don’t know why she would think Ayurveda would. I realize that they are different methods of treatment but I really don’t want to get my hopes up again. I’m still trying to come to terms with the fact that I have to live with this for life and it may not seem remotely serious or relevant and it probably isn’t, but its something I have to deal with which I haven’t been able to since I was diagnosed. Looking at other girls and always wishing that I could look like they do, or at least have a body that looks like what it’s supposed to – I think about it everyday…I must say that was hard to type without crying. Maybe this whole thing is a sign that I’m not really supposed to have children or something, or that I’m meant to be alone…because honestly, who wants to be with someone whose natural right doesn’t even exist. Secondly, I don’t have “serious” boy issues! It’s been more than three months and it’s going quite well, but you know me…always looking for flaws even when they perhaps don’t exist. I’d like it to last of course, but there’s a lot more issues that I’d have to deal with (as if relationships themselves aren’t hard enough). I don’t want to become too attached as well because…I don’t know; maybe I don’t want to get my already shattered heart broken again or something. I really like him…a lot. Maybe I could be *yup…here are the dreaded words* “falling in love with” him but I think I’m not letting myself completely get to that point. Love is one fucked up emotion all by itself. Anyway I probably don’t make much sense. Please don’t bother commenting, this was quite the rant-like crap that I think about generally in my head and at times it doesn’t even seem coherent to me.
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[June 20, 2007] |
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This post has taken awhile to come around. My silence has been a burden I never thought I would have to bear. I pretend that everything’s okay, that I actually still have a life when the fact is that I pushed myself into this little bubble and convinced myself of all things fine and dandy. I didn’t want to feel. I still don’t. Because then I’ll just break down into little pieces and cry like there’s no tomorrow. My heart is shattered. It has been for a very long time. For as long as I can remember actually. It just kept getting worse. And every time I see the disappointment in my father’s eyes and the failure my mother sees me as, even the shattered fragments ache. I understand the need for things to change. It’s the only way we get to advance in this life I suppose. But that doesn’t mean I like it. I hate not having a definite plan for the present. It scares me because that makes me vulnerable and unprepared. I’m alone. But I always have been. I figured that maybe…just maybe I wouldn’t always be. But that isn’t true. I’m always alone and that’s one thing that doesn’t look like it will ever change. It’s the only constant I have left.
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[January 31, 2007] |
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as the sunlight creeps through the break in the curtains...i stare out into uncertainty. my vision beigns to blur as the tears combine; anxious to fall, to surpass what i know and what i detest. i want nothing more than to be swallowed by the darkness, unwilling to fight it and eager to embrace what is so completely lifeless and numbing; that i can actually feel it. the thoughts swim profusely around in my head. my reasons for deception, utter failure to grasp what is so relatively defined as normalcy and any sense of purpose which can never be discovered. as a droplet of sweat travels down my neck, my motionless being aches to meet its demise. it is then that i crumble; if i wasn't already broken to little shards inside. my body so eager to follow suit. i reach out and curl into a bottom corner and wrap my swollen arms marked in red; around myself. the searing pain is beyond what i know i always feel; the desperate ache to not exist. my damp eyes regain composture when i hear the distant sound of my name being bellowed. scrambling to conceal all that is unusual; the facade returns for yet another time as i open the door and walk out into the realms of pretense and lies.
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| Ho! Ho! Ho! And Jingle Bells |
[December 24, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Lose control - Missy Elliott |
] |
Ho! Ho! Ho! and Jingle Bells,
What's all the fuss about?
The rich food and the drinkies,
Only inflame my bloody gout.
My credit card has almost melted,
From persistent overuse,
And my liver is near failure,
From pre-Christmas Party abuse.
My blood sugars are elevated,
And my blood pressure is sky high,
I was feeling really well before lunch,
But now I think I'm going to die!
Nobody liked the presents that I bought,
And the family is at war,
So much for Christmas Spirit,
And that's all I asked Santa for,
Now no-one is talking to me,
While I lie here exiled in the Sun,
With my belt unbuckled and my gut exposed,
Thanking God that this Christmas is done.
Copyright; Robyn Scott
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|
| The Scientist |
[November 27, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Scientist - Coldplay |
] |
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said that it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
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| one of my favourite songs |
[October 11, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crappy |
] |
Sway
Don't stray
Don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
you know it gets the better of me
sometimes, when you and i collide
i fall into an ocean of you
pull me out in time
don't let me drown
let me down
i say its all because of you
and here I go...
losing my control
i'm practicing your name so i can say it to your face
and it doesn't seem right
to look you in the eye
let all the things you mean to me
tumblin' out my mouth
indeed its time
tell you why
say its infinately true
say you'll stay, don't come and go
like you do
sway my way, yeah i need to know, all about you
and there's no cure
and no way to be sure
why everything's turned inside out
instilling so much doubt
it makes me so, tired
i feel so uninspired
my head is battling with my heart
a logic has been torn apart
and now it ohhh so sour
come sweeten every afternoon
it's all because of you...
it's all because of you...
and now its ooohhh so sour
come sweeten every afternoon
its time to
tell you why
say its infinately true
its all because of you...
its all because of you...
its all because of you...
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|
[August 13, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bored |
] |
Oi people! We have one of our own all the way in another continent who had asked for a couple of e-mails to be sent; if not everyday then at least once in a few days. Yes, RT you are exempt since you’ve been trying to do so. Alrighty then that’s it.
Since we’re at it, we’d better send some to Rooney too. He’ll be able to check them eventually...is there anyone else??!!
Ciao ciao
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[July 30, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
Ok, now I'm pissed off!!!! My dad is an ASS!!!!!!!! A MAJOR DINKUS!!! whatever the hell that is, and if it means something really bad then.... GOOD!!!!!!!!!! Seriously WTF IS HIS DAMN PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and that woman! BLAHNESS!
SHARON, YOU'RE DAMN PHONE IS ENGAGED!!!!!!!! WOMAN ANSWER THE CELL AT LEAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
please don't bother commenting or whatever, I just REALLY needed to vent and there was no one to vent to!
GOODBYE!
*angry squeak*
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| Today- hot, sweaty, tanning-today |
[June 22, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Wake me up when September ends |
] |
Today- hot, sweaty, tanning-today
Lived on mountain dew
Got back my school results
Wish I could change a few
Had a lovely cold shower
Got back some mind-power
Chemistry’s soon under attack
Only then can I hit the sack
The prom’s zooming in fast
But from the things on my mind, it’s the last
It’s scary, it’s real
It’s way too surreal
The stuff that happens on days like this
Hot, sweaty, tanning days like this
©Mac
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[June 19, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sleepy |
] |
it worked it worked
*does a happy dance*
i have a new layout thing
not exaclty what i wanted but.....
it worked it worked
*continues mad dancing*
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| Bleed - Cold |
[June 18, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bleed - Cold |
] |
I'm feeling crossed
I take it inside
Burn up the pain
My thoughts are strange
Just like the things
I used to love
Just like the tree that fell
I heard it
If art is still inside
I feel it
I wanna bleed
Show the world all that I have inside
I wanna scream
Let the blood flow that keeps me alive
Take all these strings
They call my veins
Wrap them around
Every fucking thing
Presence of people
Not for me
Well I must remain in tune
Forever
My love is music
I will marry melody
I wanna bleed
Show the world all that I have inside
I wanna scream
Let the blood flow that keeps me alive
Won't you let me take you
For a ride
You can stop the world
Try to change my mind
Won't you let me show you
How it feels
You can stop the world
But you won't change me
I need music
I need music
I need music to set me free
To let me bleed
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